The travails of a lonely entrepreneur !

So here I am again lambasting the way research is done in India. If you haven’t seen part 1 and 2 please find the links below. I assure you, you will be totally on the floor laughing at how amazing research is done in exceptional India !

The following anecdote, although not experienced first hand, totally blew my mind away and left me in titters. It is about a deemed faculty from a prominent  German University. The person in question is actually Indian born (Benaras)  and spent the better part of his life doing protein related research in Germany. Thus he arrived in our deemed Indian university to give a lecture on how they had discovered a novel software method to make predictions of protein functions etc. An email had been circulating for the week leading up to the lecture – so I was kind of waiting to hear the guy.

Unfortunately on D-Day, one of my friends came over and we decided to do nothing and just chill around. I met him at the university and had a few cups of coffee, spending the bright sunny winter afternoon  in a park. In the course of our “doing nothing” I decided I should just snick in and give my ear to the deemed German faculty. So both of us headed back to the department and entered a small conference room – the venue for the lecture. We sat there for about fifteen minutes, trying to understand the guy – but failed. Having gotten totally bored we quietly excused ourselves and left for the park.

A few days later I met one of my research colleagues on the lawn and the topic veered towards the aforementioned lecture. He was the one who had been assigned to “help out the gentleman from Germany” and proceeded to tell me the whole story. From here on is his account, with him referred to as P and the visiting faculty as Prof G.

When the honorable Prof G came to our university, the first thing he asked for in chaste English, was a Prof R of our university. Since R was unavailable, he then wanted to meet one of R’s students. However even that was not possible – so he, a little irritatedly, asked to be shown to conference room.

The conference room is a small affair with a heavily virus infected PC connected to a projector. Prof  G had his own laptop so he went ahead and started connecting it. P stood looking, trying to look as dumb as possible – so that he wouldn’t have to break his brains over the projector setup. After connecting his laptop and switching on “everything”, there was still no “light”. So Prof G looked at P and said “Is this thing working?”.

P replied “I think so … ” and kept quite. For the next few minutes Prof G and P fought with the projector and got it working. After this Prof G asked for some water, and P came back with about a glass full of water. His language had changed from English to native Hindi by now. Since we are having a “water problem” in the department, Prof G was told that this was about as much he would get in the next few hours. After drinking the water Prof G wanted to go the toilet.

P let him to the toilet and again reminded him that we have a “water problem”. So Prof G asked for an alternative in a belligerent tone – using “tum” to address P. “Tum” which is pronounced as toom, was the familiar way of addressing people in Hindi. P told him about the locations of the various other toilets in the department and left him to decide his next course of action. After which Prof G for the next few minutes tried the other three toilets, but his luck had run out and so had the water.

P met Prof G again a few minutes later – quite worked up and desperately needing to go to the loo. Now he was frantically asking P questions, starting them with “aap” which was the formal and respectful way of addressing people in India. P told him another option – “There is a toilet in the hostel which always has water, but it is a fifteen minute walk”  . Prof  G tried to follow him to the hostel but about twenty meters from starting point decided that he would not make it !

By this time the situation was really bad. At this point the gardener came and started watering the rose bushes in the lawn. P had an idea. He told Prof G that if he did not mind “gardening water’ he could use a bucket in the toilet to help himself. At this point Prof G was desperate enough to try “anything”, so he rushed to the toilet got the bucket and filled it with water from the gardening hose. He was back in the toilet in no time and stayed there for the next half hour !

Afterwards P met Prof G at the conference room looking quite relieved. He continued with his lecture – of which I had managed to witness fifteen boring minutes.

After P told this amazing tale of the Prof G’s woes – I wondered. I wondered if there was one good reason why any Indian born faculty would like to come back here to teach in our universities. Probably the next time Prof G came he would bring a water tanker in tow !

Stuck forever !

India is a multicultural land where the laws are notional and ground reality operates on principles more in tune with the Amazonian Rain Forests. Traffic in India is one of the best manifestations of the preceding statement. Foreigners hate it, some Indians enjoy it and the rest just tolerate it.

Among those that enjoy it, are three groups. The first group believes in “enjoying” while driving – implying they will usually drink, pass lewd comments, break the lights and honk a horn so loud that even your dead ancestors will wake up and come running to you. They are usually illiterate, driving taxis for a living – getting payed by the hour.

The second group consist of the “insulated”. This group is usually travelling in cars, with AC and a driver. They read a paper while the driver tries to justify his bread and butter. Often cars of this group of people stop suddenly in the middle of the road while the “sahab” squints at some  consumer good on the roadside shop front. Or maybe the “memsahab’ wants to get off right there to meet an acquaintance !

A very small percentage of people form the third group. However this group is the most promising in terms of abilities. The demographic is a Young Upwardly Mobile person, who is reasonably good at driving and takes special joy in getting ahead of the traffic by various means. These means may border on the illegal, but the activities are usually not as discomforting as those of the first group of “enjoyers”. Lights are broken – usually only when the cops are gone and traffic is sparse. Horns are blared – but at opportune times and for maximum effect. This group enjoys the fact that – others on the road don’t know the “tricks”.

Although I used to tolerate the traffic before – I have slowly learnt to believe in group no. three and strive to be in that category. The following advice is for those who want to be in this category and more specifically drive a car. For bikers I will publish more advice later. Please remember and clearly note, that the following is not advisable to be done regularly as it takes considerable mental alertness and effort. Also there are risks that should be evaluated before undertaking such driving. There may be “bad” repercussions in case of a misfire. However, sometimes one has to really be “there”  by “this time” and these methods may come in handy at such junctures. Always be careful and alert … you cannot let yourself be distracted when doing the following.

1. Timing : The first technique is to master half-clutch driving. I can hear some of the die hard motorists criticizing, to them I have to say “shut up and go to the US”. Your mechanic may complain and your driving instructor will get appalled – but if you cannot drive on half clutch you will be forever at the “end of the long line”. The reason is one word – TIMING. Driving to beat the traffic involves a lot of correct timing. If you are too fast you will hit the car ahead, if you are too slow the auto-rickshaw on your left will come in front of you. Also some times when you are going fast you may have to go over a bump. At this time a little break and a bit of half-clutch driving will minimize the impact to bearable levels. The idea is to brake hard just before the bump, shift to second (or maybe first ?) gear and drive half-clutch over the bump controlling the speed to adjust to height of the bump. Just as your rear tyre starts going over – leave the clutch and start accelerating. If you time it right you will accelerate as the rear wheels are going “down the bump” and will get an extra impetus.

2. Prediction  : The second most important technique is something I learnt in driving school. But in a different context. In driving school they told us to drive “defensively”, and one of the tricks was to see ahead and see the big picture. The idea was that you would be able to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. But the same trick can be used to good effect in “offensive” driving. Once you see the big picture you will have an idea about the traffic in your vicinity. It pays to be able to estimate which driver is timid and which driver is over-aggressive. So when you approach their vehicles you will be correctly predicting their reactions. This is an invaluable art – and if you can master it, half your problems on the road will be gone !

Work on the left !

3. Geometry : Yes, you need to understand geometry well to beat the traffic. On the road, there are wide and long buses, short and slim autos, cycles, thelas, bikers and people who don’t have a ride at all ! In this mixed chaos its important to understand angles and spaces. If you can place your vehicle in an advantageous position – you will be able to overtake even the most aggressive of the drivers. Almost everyone can overtake cars on the highway at cruise speeds. But overtaking vehicles travelling inches apart at 10km/hr is quite a different ball game !

For example : One thing one should always try to do with the car is to block the bikes trying to get past you from the left. They will usually go ahead and come in your way – so keep them behind you. To do this you have to travel in the left most lane making sure that space between your car and the pavement on the left is less than the width of a bike ! Geometry ! To extend the example : You detect a space on the left of the bus ahead, just enough to pass your car through – or maybe not. Theres the catch – if you know the width of your car well you can take the risk and slip through. If not – by the time you have “estimated” – space will be clogged with cycles and bikers. If you estimated early  that you cannot pass – the next best thing to do is to “block the hole”. Get behind the bus and almost touch the rear of the bus while minimizing the gap on the left of your car. You have to careful here – as this can be dangerous on inclines – the buses will come back a few inches when the driver leaves the clutch. Once you have blocked a hole – you can later take another shot at slipping through.

4. Traffic Lights : If they work – the advice is to follow the lights. You will not get much benefit by breaking a light, and the risk of getting caught by a cop on the other side may be high, especially during the day. At night certain liberties can be taken – but usually the benefit availed is of less than a minute. However as most other things in India – the traffic lights may not work. There are various stages of malfunction. The light may be totally not working – no red/yellow/green lights. Or they may be partially broken – red or green may be off. Or  they may seem like strobes in a disco – blinking randomly. The important thing is know what do in such uncertain circumstances.

Risky Business !

The first rule is that if the lights are malfunctioning and there is no cop on the road in the middle handling things, you can safely assume that law is unavailable at that junction. You can probably shoot a guy on the crossing and no one will bother. No cops + No lights = Jungle rules. At this point you may safely break the rules (you, anyway cannot make out the light – so there are no rules !). But the trick is in how you break the rules. The fools go charging in and more often than not there is another such fool on the other side ! Result – a JAM. But you know this so you keep to sparse areas – as far as possible from the center of action. The idea is to circumvent the problem in novel ways. Say you want to take a right on a crossing where the lights are kaput. Stick to the left and follow the vehicles going straight ahead. As you are almost past the crossing brake sharply and put on your right blinker. This usually scares people behind you and if you can judge the reactions times you will have turned before the car on your right can block you ! Sometimes even this may fail as the center of the JAM is large enough to cover all of the crossing ! Your next best bet is to check the traffic on the left of the road on the other side. If the oncoming traffic has a clear left lane – go ahead to the next cut, take a u-turn and then take the left when you come back to the crossing. This technique has helped me often in cases where my right turn was totally blocked !

If you know a traffic light is broken before hand (they stay broken for a month or more before they are fixed !) you can avoid it at peak times. At off peak times, if you want to pass through fast without getting hit by other brave people on the road – there is a special trick. As you approach the crossing (at high speed) – blink your headlights (especially at night) , honk loudly but not continuously and then break hard till you can hear the tyre screech ! That usually scares other drivers in earshot – and you can then go past the crossing at a higher speed !

5. Left Lane Policy : On the highway the right lane goes fastest (we follow the English driving ethic). However in JAMS use the american system. Stay on the left, overtake from the left, abuse from the left and generally do what ever you have to do, ON THE LEFT. The left is usually occupied by large buses and trucks which have more “scare value” in jams. Which means they usually get ahead faster by scaring the smaller vehicles. Also travelling on the left gives you the occasional opportunity of a clearing on the left- where you can overtake the bus you have been following for some time now !

6. Follow Talent : If you find an aggressive bus driver – just shut your brain to everything else – and keep the gap between your bonnet and the bus’s ass to less than a feet. Thats all you will need to get past the “slow coaches”. Same for an aggressive and talented taxi driver. Also if you happen to be following someone who is a regular on that road (and you are new) – you will come to know the “tricks”. The small by by lanes and gaps which are waiting for the intelligent opportunist. However if you are not up to the talent levels of the preceding vehicle – then you may get stuck in a stupid situation while the guy ahead just slips through. So follow with a pinch of  salt. If you are a regular as well – don’t be afraid to overtake the “talented ones”. The best of us are prone to mistakes – traffic is such a game that its difficult to predict correctly, and you may just have the extra observation that gets you ahead !

7. Examine New Roads : If you are travelling regularly on a particular route, take some time once in a while to examine the “inner roads”. You may turn up in a blind alley occasionally but more often than not you will find an alternate route – a very handy thing to know during peak hours ! If you are a map type – you can buy an Eicher map (they are the best printed maps in India, and have the most detail – right down to house numbers). Or you may invest in a GPS navigator. But don’t depend on either for salvation – most inner roads are often blocked by police barricades – so your “special route” may just be a dud. There is nothing like examining for your self – so after you detect a new route on the map – go check it out ! Keep a watch out for barricades on the road side. They are usually deployed in “sensitive” times and may block your alternate route.

If you are not the map type or have difficulty understanding maps – then just do some wishful driving once in a while – the only requisite being COUNT THE TURNS. If you hit a nice route by chance just note the route in your mind (if you have an elephantine memory) or on a piece of paper or on the phone/pda. You can usually just note the counts like so  … third left – second right – fourth left ….etc.  Remember to note the staring and the ending point. If you know the end point on an alternate route opens up on a jammed crossing, then you can avoid the route in peak hours.

8. Horn Please : The honk is your ranged weapon so use it intelligently. If you honk continuously – it is not only a nuisance to every one else – it gives you a headache as well. Needless to say – such honking is usually counter productive, for it may make the others around you aware of your intentions ! Yes ! Your intentions are yours. Don’t give away the game before it starts. Approach a vehicle silently from behind – measure the driver and overtake him when he is distracted with something else !

The honk is very useful at certain important junctures. If you have approached silently and the driver ahead doesn’t know about your existence – then you can scare him if tries to block the gap on the left ! The timing has to be right – if you honk early you give away your position. If you honk too late he is already blocking you ! Just when he is about to make his “move” give a loud burst and shut up. He will pause and may try again – repeat the dose. If he is hesitant again – you are in luck ! He is a timid type – rub his nose to the ground ! Overtake and while you are abreast honk when your bonnet is nearest to his ear. The extra dose will bottle him up enough to prevent him from making counter moves from behind you afterwards !

Concluding thoughts : There are many more tricks of the trade which I have not mentioned here. They often come naturally after a while and cannot be taught ! However this basic set will help you a long way if you happen to be a hapless foreigner in the middle of the sea of chaos – called Indian Traffic (Expatriate Commonwealth Games personnel – please note) . Please remember that this is not for the faint hearted or the timid. If you really and desperately want to fuck the traffic and get ahead – these rules and techniques will come in handy. Once you are doing these often – you will start enjoying the effect you have on traffic around you.

That auto-walla may shout – but you have blocked him !

The bus driver may honk – but he cannot pass through the gap on your right !

The biker may be aggressive – but thanks to the small gap on your left he will fall into the storm drain !

The “thela” (cycle cart)  may be blocking your way, but cannot match the sudden acceleration when the traffic opens up !

The taxi walla is trying to intimidate you – distract him with counter abuses, and then overtake him. Block him and pause your car – let him shout till he is hoarse. Go ahead and pause again near a traffic constable – now he cannot abuse you even when he is overtaking you !

The key is to have fun while keeping a cool head. Be aggressive and ruthless within the bounds of law and decency. Enjoy the “repercussions” of your driving and while you are at it – you will be “there” in no time !

Roadside ablutions !

During the latter half of November, I had the chance to take a good look at Kolkata while on a brief sojourn. I had imagined that my fifteen day holiday would be a long lazy one, but as always it turned out to be shorter than expected. There is just something about holidays which makes me want a “bonus day” on the last day of the holiday !

The occasion was my son’s “anna-prashan” which roughly translates to a ceremony to mark the first consumption of rice by a new born. The theory is that up until that day the baby is supposed to be only fed the liquids. During the ceremony the usual rigamrole ensues, whereby a suitable learned looking “pandit” doles out passages from a dog-eared tome. The sound of the sanskrit language exerts a strange allure on the masses – although almost 90% percent in recent times neither know or understand it.

So there I was in Kolkata for a few days contemplating my holiday routine and trying to figure out a comfortable way to pass the time. The weather was just right and the scenery around my dad’s pad is pretty green – with a lake thrown in for good measure. In this scenic setting I started wondering about Kolkata and what defines this city. The most compelling reason for this activity of mine was one word – pollution !

Ah yes the pollution ! My reveries in Kolkata were totally annihilated whenever I tried to venture out on the city roads. The noxious fumes were so disgusting that by the end of the third outing I had almost decided that the next trip would be the one to the airport when I am flying out. The air there is more than polluted – it was poisonous. A deadly gas which would have been a favorite with the Nazis at the  Auschwitz concentration camp.

I realized that there were a multitude of reasons working in tandom to achieve this abominal end result. The most important, I felt, was the fact that the people of Kolkata seem to accept anything from mother nature and nothing from upper management ! Since the polluted air was more mother nature than upper management – its was totally acceptable. However stringent laws to control pollution seemed to be more of an upper-management dicktat – so it met with heavy resistance whenever any attempt at its implementation were made.

The auto-rikshaws as usual were the greatest offenders. They use something called “kata tel” or “modified petrol”. The modification in this case was the dilution of the petrol with kerosene. This causes a decrease in running costs (because of the subsidized nature of kerosene in India) and a ten fold increase in air pollution from the exhaust. To give an idea of the situation – everytime I followed such an auto-rikshaw (in my car) I felt like someone had stuck an exhaust pipe up my nose.

Get a wiff !

The auto-rickshaws are followed  by the buses in the polluting top three. The third spot is of course held by the archaic and totally ramshackle set of Taxis ! The age old diesel buses and taxis have engines which are probably older than the oldest driver. They should have all been scrapped by now – except that in Kolkata “poor people” can get away with anything ! Since the poor bus-wallas and auto-rickshaw-wallas are amongst the “poor people” there illegal actions are pardonable.

Which brings me to the second reason for this end result. Vote bank politics. Kolkata has been ruled for a long time now by the CPIM – a communist party which has managed to hold the reins for nearly forty years ! Communism has always been a favorite concept with the enlightened bengali “bhadrolok”, read – gentleman. However in forty years of power, the CPIM party has managed to make a mockery of the concept – and use it to  squeeze the last drops of life from this ailing old city.

In their diary of forty years the CPIM have prominently etched a number of amazing achievements. One of the more famous ones is the exit of the Tatas from Singur. The Indian dream car – called the nano was supposed to have been launched from Bengal. But in the end the cheap politcs and the Kolkata mentality for limiting progress – prevailed ! The sterling project was reduced to a political farce. Many loud slogans and party meetings later – the Tatas got completely frustrated and left the place, swearing never to come back with another project. In fact in a recent conference the chairman of the Tata & Sons group, was reported to have remarked that it was all for the best – as he was almost a hundred percent sure that they (political parties) would not have allowed them to function with any efficiency even if they had managed to create the factory !

Kolkata inspite of all its past history of high education and learned achievemnt, has managed to become an immense slum of sorts. Everywhere you look you can find a ton of rotting garbage and plastic bags. The roads are some of the worst in India (even within the heart of the city). The air is polluted and the population is predominantly old – as the young have left for greener pastures. It was really sad to see the city on its knees gasping in suffocation. It will not be long before the situation goes beyond control and the only option left will be to leave the place to rot in isolation. Maybe they will create barricades around the city – to prevent the filth and the shit from spilling over to the relatively cleaner rural suburbs !

The Delhi Success Story

Just got some work done by the neighborhood tea stall owner. He also happens to lug around stuff on his makeshift cycle-cart, so he was helping me move my goods from home to the store. While we were at it, he gave me a bit of a sad tale which touched a chord.

He told me that one of the residents from our “society” ( a collection of apartments is called a society here …) had duped him of some money. I was wondering how someone could dupe money out of a tea stall owner on the roadside. He replied that this guy (well educated and all …) had promised him, that he would help him set up a tea stall outside the mall. The bugger took an advance of Rs 700/- and then promptly disappeared from the horizon. He switched off his mobile phone for a few days and then about a week later, someone else picked up the phone and told him that – this was not unusual.

Wow! I could not even think of doing such a thing to a poor sod on the road side stall. But more than that, it led me to wonder. Is this where we are headed as a country. Will our future generations take such behavior as “normal” and then think of someone being nice, as a “loony” case ? Is the new definition of success all about how many helpless individuals you can fleece ? All around me the city seems to be losing its humanity. Every day I can hear stories which appall me to newer levels. Every day I can see thousands of people breaking all road rules and abusing each other. Every day seems to be a tad more chaotic than the day before !

I fear that we are headed for a catastrophic failure of civic life. As the crime spirals beyond a point of no return, and as the people slowly lose their humanity – this place is going to crumble to the dust, like so many historical examples of great cities gone wrong. We are not far from the brink of social lunacy. As the government looks on helplessly – being tethered by the “rich and powerful” , the poor people on the road are getting more and more desperate. Soon all of them will take to violent crime to make ends meet. The vision of the Mahatma is in shambles – independence it seems has failed to inspire us to any notable achievement as a society.

I wonder why we cannot help ourselves. We seem to be too rooted in the phones, LCD TVs,cars , gizmos and cricket. We the people of the land of the Buddha have forgotten “dharma”. We have become worse than whores selling our souls for a few currency notes. If someone asked a random guy on the Delhi roads – How much for your soul ? , the guy would probably start thinking of a number ! Like hollow zombies we walk and bump into each other – while our personal axes are grinding incessantly in our heads. Some of us feel the situation is getting worse – but who cares. The need to escape overrides our need to correct the situation. And that is why we cannot change anything for the better in this country.

To sum up let me define success in the Delhi perspective. A successful person in Delhi will :

• Lie incessantly and without remorse. To the extent that radio jocks on the local FM channels have competitions of the “average Delhi liar”.
• Be able to dupe helpless individuals of their resources by promising things that he never intends to deliver.
• Have an abusive vocabulary
• Drink and drive and kill people
• Charge exorbitant amounts from customers, and treat his own workforce like shit.
• Not respect his own words and position – constantly mutating his views to adjust to the money flow.
• Rape and kill helpless women who happen to cross their path.
• Be a fat leering SOB who will drive the knife through your heart. smiling all the while !

If you missed part 1, you can read it here.

So last time I talked a little how a research project was started. This time I will tell you more about why research in India is a frustrating thing to do.

The happy ones !

A basic ingredient of any research anywhere in the world is a working internet connection. The simple reason for this is that most of the journals are available online, and it really doesn’t make sense anymore to order prints (and help reduce the number of trees on mother earth). Another reason is that a vast majority of research these days is achieved in a distributed fashion – various facets of a problem are often explored by different groups in different continents. It is imperative that these groups stay in touch and keep exchanging ideas.

But a working internet connection is like nirvana to most research scholars in India. In fact most of them have orgasms when they see a download speed greater than 1 mbps. Even in the notable “Universities” the internet connection is more like a dial-up modem line. In fact it is more like a dial-up wireless modem line on a rainy day with thunderstorms. If we could have a competition between an ant and a line of travelling data at the “University” then I would be putting my money on the ant.

Things usually get this bad not because of technological limitations. We have plenty of money to buy more bandwidth if necessary. Moreover the existing speeds are more than enough for the internet needs of a research group. The real culprits are the low IQ staff that are sitting at the sys-admin sections. Most of these karamcharis on government payroll, cannot get enough beetelnut in between their red teeth before half murmuring the “torrensh are tha pawblem”. The fact is they don’t know jack about torrents or how to stop them. They only keep repeating it because it is one of those problems that gives them the clean chit – and the research group, the black eye !

Well I must accept – there are a bunch of fools and lower animals in every research group. These seemingly human (but actually zombie) individuals take get great delight in downloading “torrensh” of movies and then watching them in fast forward. Neither do they enjoy the movie nor do they allow the others to enjoy the bandwidth ! But such people can be stopped quite easily. Its just a matter of some software and a few port filters. Stuff that any low level sys-admin would be able to implement.

However since we are talking the “Government of India” – the implication is that the sys-admin was a office boy who joined in 1952 and slowly rose up the ranks to become the “sheesh-admin”. In effect he is clueless about networking and firewalls and switches and routers and port filters etc etc. The only networking that he knows is of the social variety done over the half-peg at the official dinner. His motive for coming to the office everyday is not to make the internet better or get that server up. Oh no … the only reason he comes is to keep the attendance up – so that his year end appraisal doesn’t get tainted ! You see in the “Government of India” where attendance is abysmally low  - it quite often becomes the only criterion for a positive appraisal. The fact that the karamchari did nothing the whole year – is perhaps only referred to in drawled out jokes at the paan shop.

Its been over a month and a half now … since I had requested a hard-disk upgrade and a static IP for my server. Even after all the “due diligence” (translate to boring paperwork designed to give you carpal tunnel syndrome) – the hard disk seems like a pool of  water on the hot desert road – a deceptive mirage which shifts away from you as you approach it ! When I asked about the static IP – all I got was talk about NAT and “holes in the firewall” and other seemingly technical things – which sound right but is generally crap out of a horse’s arse ! Fact is – they have over the past month and a half, been unable to give me a static IP !

Whenever I go to the “University” I come back disappointed – having done almost nothing, thanks to simple facts like “no internet connection” or “the UPS went down” or “the power line has tripped”.  The only research possible in such circumstances is to take your camera and find new species of birds in the foliage around the buildings.

That is why I make it a point nowadays to carry my brothers DSLR, and click macro photos of exotic plants and birds available on the campus. At least I can put some nice photos on Facebook ! The image in this post is one such example of “no power so clicking photos” syndrome !

Michael Jackson having a jar of pills

Its the latest and most fashionable way to die …. or so it seems from the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and Heath Ledger. Its being called an epidemic and very soon it will probably replace all other addictions as the top-rated addiction !

But what is the reason for this “epidemic” ? Why is it that so many individuals in the US and other developed nations are popping pills day in day out ? What are the circumstances that lead the average guy to the nearest drug store with a handful of bogus prescriptions ?

Any attempt to answer the above questions must include a thorough analysis of the daily habits of the average guy. However since that is quite out of the scope of this little article – lets me just examine the circumstances a little superficially and attempt to find some meaningful answers. Let us start by examining what are the reasons for any sort of drug abuse – not just prescription drugs.

Drug abuse is well researched in other domains like cocaine and heroin. The abusers are usually disconnected people trying to lose their loneliness with the help of some chemicals. It does not really matter how the habit starts – it almost always ends up being an attempt to relieve the stress of modern day lives. Among those who start using drugs early – some do not feel the need for it once their circumstances change , while others continue to use it moderately and a handful few really become the abusers. These are usually the “misfits” – the people who just happened to be in the wrong circumstances.

Since drugs like cocaine and heroin are banned in most places on this earth – the abusers are often reined in and most of them eventually do quit the habit. The loneliness is long lasting and doesn’t go away, and its effect – a ton of stress on the fragile human mind. In our lives today we often neglect the things which we need to concentrate most on – like bonding with the people around us or finding long lasting friendships which can carry us through tough times. We are generally more interested in monetary aspects of our existence – and material gains are usually highest on the priority list. Having acquired the “latest” , we simply loose interest in it and the cycle starts all over again. This continuous need and satiation cycle wears our brains down to the last neuron. Eventually the “latest” fail to enthuse us anymore and a feeling of deep ennui sets in. Loneliness is the manifestation of this whole process. As we loose connections and friends while we age – we need the support of chemicals and artificial means to support our interest in the world around us. Its like the brain building and alternate and interesting world inside our heads so that the external disconnect can be overlooked.

Since drugs like cocaine are illegal, most law-abiding citizens will not use it, even though they may feel the need for it. Not so with prescription drugs. They are legal and at the back of our minds we know that they are “safe”, because they have been “tested”. Most celebrities today have such stressful lives that going on without the “support”of prescription drugs looks like an impossibility. The fans then follow these celebrities and think its fashionable to pop a pill and continue with the grind of daily life. The logic is that – ” my icon does it , so why not me !”. Even after they realize that they are doing a whole lot of harm to themselves – most prescription drug abusers feel that going on without them will be more “harmful” to themselves.

Prescription drug abuse cannot be rooted out by making new laws and punishing doctors. This malady has to be dealt with at different levels. This “epidemic” is the symptom of deeper problems with society as a whole. Treating the symptom will only make other symptoms appear – as the problem itself is ever present and ever growing. The problem of disconnection in our lives has to be solved first before any sort of drug abuse problem can be solved. The abusers need to be reassured about their “necessity” to the people around them. They have to be made to feel a part of the whole – not the outsider – an aberrant personality taking drugs to solve problems. We need to accept our stress and try to solve it – not suffer from it while maintaining a calm exterior supported by forty different chemicals running inside our systems.

Michael Jackson was an icon in more than one way. He lived larger than life and paid the price for it. His death itself is iconic – starting a world-wide debate on prescription drug abuse. More like him will pay the same price as our constant clamor for gratification increases. Celebrities are usually most hit by the loneliness – they are surrounded by “fans” they are not allowed to bond with. They meet numerous faces everyday without forming relationships. They are doomed to snuff themselves out, as they feel the pressure of remaining viable and famous, while their bodies slowly wither away from the stress.

The recent confrontation between the security forces of India and the Maoist extremists in the state of West Bengal is a sure recipe for disaster. On the one hand is the corrupt egotistical government of West Bengal, on the other are a handful of extremists who purport to hold up the interests of the impoverished tribals in the area of Lalgarh. At the bottom of it all is another power struggle. But this time the stakes are much higher than eny such struggle before.

The main reason for the difference in this unrest and the others preceding is the explicit support of the tribals and the local population for the Maoists. In most other civil unrest areas in India the individuals who support the movement (without actively participating) prefer to stay hidden from the eyes of the government. But not so over here. And there is a solid reason for that.

The locals over the past many years in West Bengal have been exploited to the fullest. Tribals and ethnic populations get exploited everywhere in India. However prosperity eventually provides some relief as the general living standards improve. West Bengal perhaps is one of the few states in India where the quality of life has deteriorated over the many years that the Left has been in power. Rampant corruption in the government is hidden behind politicking and boastful talk about equality and equal opportunity. The fact that a large impoverished population (indigenous as well as from across the border) is being exploited, is carefully hidden behind petty politics and arm-twisting of local administrative organizations.

The average villager in West Bengal is worse off than in neighboring states – in spite of the fact that West Bengal had one of the highest literacy rates in India at one time ( along with Kerala). These people are then easily influenced by extremists like the Maoists who at first seem to offer a better life than that offered by the state. The locals believe that the only way their lot can improve in this world is by aligning themselves with the Maoists. The Maoists on their part have made sure that they seem like the “better government” with good and quick delivery of justice and other benefits like road-building projects etc.

However at the end of the day the Maoists also are another power hungry faction of extremists. Although their causes are genuine their methods are far from correct and effective. A show of power by cornering few villages and blocking off access to them is hardly an effective demonstration of power in a country of 1 billion people. They eventually got over run by the security forces and now they are “under ground” – whatever that means. The reality is they are still very much there. They are just a bunch of people among the general population and knowing their alliances by looking at their faces is an impossible tasks.

What is now going to happen are sporadic acts of violence as these factions dissipate among the masses and start their own small wars and protests. Its like cancer and by cutting up the tumor and allowing the pieces to flow around in the blood stream is just the best way to make sure that whole body gets affected with the disease. As for the local population – more numbers will join these secret organizations as mayhem returns while the “security forces” leave. The fact is the government in West Bengal has been ineffective in dealing with the problem of exploitation in the past many years – and the scenario is not going to change after the military initiative is over.

The ideal solution to such a problem is to make an aggressive development strategy after the forces leave. This will prevent the addition of more “fuel to the fire”. Also the local administrative organizations need to be revamped quickly to reflect the views and aspirations of the local populations. Representation from among the tribals has to be quickly inserted into administrative bodies – before these same representatives stoke the fires of rebellion among the tribals again. Its time that a comprehensive solution is determined, and the lethargy of the West Bengal government in implementing policies – is scrutinized by the center.

Ironically it would have been better for the state as whole, if the security forces had entered and evacuated the Writers Building rather than the Maoist headquarters. The real problem is not the tribals or the Maoists – its the ineffective and egotistical Left Front that is sitting like a malignant tumor in the middle of this most educated and culturally evolved state. They will eventually be the real reason why the whole state will go to the gutters.

“Govt to bail out a leaner, trimmer Air India” was the headline on the Times of India news. I have seen Air India in action for quite some time now, and more than a bailout what they really need is a solid “kick out”. In the following few paragraphs I will try to explain why I have come to feel that way.

Let us first compare Air India with other carriers in India right down at the ground level. Private carriers in India are notorious for ridiculous cost cutting and general “pay all the way” attitude. They offer the minimum that can be provided without looking like a transport bus on wings. And yet whenever I have traveled with Air India it felt worse. The staff is mostly oblivious to your needs and have the air of the arrogant host rather than that of a polite service person. The private carriers at least make sure that the staff is not rude to the customer. I guess it is something to do with their perception about who pays their salaries. While the personnel of the private carriers know too well that they wont get paid if there are few fliers day to day – the Air India staff are secure in the knowledge that “government is going to pay anyway”. And the news headline is the best example of this fact.

In-flight service is the best differentiator for the private fliers. They compete with each other to appear courteous while trying to be cost-effective. Every cheap trick is used to make sure that the flier feels more pampered that he actually is. The service on the Air India flights charts the opposite course. They have all the means – but try to behave pricey and least bothered to create any impression, leave alone a good one.

Air India had all the advantage. They had reach and they had leverage. They could cut out original and value for money deals with the help of the different tourism departments within the government. They could make and sell “package holidays” better than anyone else could in India. They had the resources. But even today we rarely see a “package” where Air India is the flight service provider. All the great deals are with the private carriers.

To quote the Civil aviation minister Praful Patel :

The Prime Minister has said that the entire weight of the government is behind Air India. It is a national carrier and it is our pride. But there is a condition that Air India must put its best foot forward. The employees must realise that there is a problem and it is a cumulative problem.

It has been way too many years since privatization started in India, for the employees to realize that “there is a problem and it is a cumulative problem”. They are really beyond repair. And this constant bailing out is not helping at all. When the bailout is guaranteed, their will only be just enough incentive for the “paperwork being done”.  Any improvement in the services or the organization as such will just be the figment of the fliers’ imaginations.

The airplanes Air India uses sometimes compete with the crew in looking older and more gray haired ! Sometimes on a rough landing – I used to feel that the plane was just holding on. I imagined the jaded technician going through the motions, without any hope of an honest appraisal of his work. I imagined the contract management teams taking kickbacks and filling the planes with under rated and low quality spares. I imagined the usual government machinery at work. And then one day I met a colleague who had worked in their maintenance teams before. Voila – my imagination was quite spot on ! All he had to say was that he was surprised most the flights could even take off !

Someone please tell our honorable minister that Air India is definitely our national carrier but not our “pride”. Rather, they are a facet we like to collectively hide from outsiders. You will be hard pressed to find an Indian who bragged about the great time he had with  Air India. We often tend to forget to mention the fact that we arrived on the national carrier. Its like avoiding to say “I could not get a seat anywhere else !”

The minister added :

Until and unless serious steps are taken to improve the functioning and the financial viability, it would be difficult for the government to continue supporting the airliner

Why not say impossible rather than difficult. Even better -  say f*** y** you piece of sh**. And let them drown within the cesspool of collective lethargy and utter corruption. I would support a minimalist “national carrier” with just enough flights for essential services and government personnel. Everything else should be completely privatized. There definitely is a need to monitor standards – but that should apply to all carriers. Anyway I have more often seen private corporations have better standards than the government ones, except a few which are worse – Reliance for example.

When the whole oragnisation is a problem – one should get rid of it. Trying to repair it is like repairing an old run down car – you fix something, and something else falls apart ! That has been quite the case with Air India, for a long time now. The pilots go on strike, the staff go on strike and almost anyone who is someone in the organisation always chooses to throw his/her weight around. Its time we got rid of the “government scale malignant tumor”  and start from scratch. Let the idiots fight for their survival. Maybe they just might turn the corner themselves. At worst we will have less delays because of these slow moving monkeys.

Scientific Vastu !

Going through the papers the other day , I came across this wonderful advertisement about “Vastu”. Now Vastu is a touchy subject in India. Almost every one here knows its mostly crap. But almost everyone will never want to engage with bored fat housewives who will usually believe in all this.

So “Vastu” survives along with the cottage industry doling absurd advice to absurd people. Part of the reason that it is so resilient to debunking – is that it usually has some nuggets of knowledge in some nooks and crannies. It’s like a cocktail of common-sense facts with a generous dollop of “absurd science”.

So lets examine the advertisement on the left. The first section is the common sense – switch on the lights to dispel depression. Along with that you can dispel the “evils of darkness”. Ghosts maybe ? Apparitions ? Or maybe just the harmless evil of “tripping over the telephone cord in the dark” !!

The second section attempts to explore the science behind ringing bells. Now make no mistake – there is definitely an explanation behind the allure of the sound of ringing bells. That explanation usually includes the science of hearing and how we react emotionally to various sounds. But the “science” in this advertisement ventures further.

We get to learn that

Bacteria have a hearing mechanism

Bacteria die when they hear bells ringing

Now that’s quite a lot of “science” in a few lines. Perhaps the author might care to explain which peer reviewed paper he is quoting. Or maybe the paper he is quoting is from a tattered book of the village quack.

The last part gives us some insight about the author of the advertisement. A certain doctor (PhD ?) who specialises in “removing vastu defects without demolition”. Also this person can sense negative and positive energies. What a package! I say this person should pay a visit to the Writers Building in Kolkata. He will find so much negative energy that “demolition” might be the only option left !

Looking at India’s despicable run chase in the just concluded match against the English (in the ICC twenty-twenty world cup), I felt like enumerating the ten most important ways you can lose a twenty-twenty cricket match !

1.) Push the third time losers like Ravinder Jadeja up the ranks so that they can make their test match debuts in the Twenty-Twenty format. The funny side of the whole affair was his face. He has more expressions than a monkey on heat. But he had no shots unfortunately.

2.) Come in down the line with mammoth expectations like Yuvraj, and then get stumped while your backfoot hangs above the ground like a limp phallus. Here I must give some credit to the man. He puts an honest effort all the time. Better luck with Kim Sharma.

3.) Come in as captain like Dhoni and then start playing like an entry level cricketer playing his first Ranji trophy. I wonder if Dhoni stopped getting his milk. Maybe he should head to the nearest cow and stick his head under the udder. He looked more like a “doodh pita baccha” than the captain during the match.

4.) Get cocky like Harbhajan during the usual interview halfway through the match. He thought it was a “good pitch to bat on” . I thought his lack of foresight and intelligence is a “good pitch to Bet on”. There is nothing like making cocky statements like that and then coming a cropper.

5.) Get all confused with loopy bouncers. Suresh Raina needs to understand that he is no good if he can only play “good length balls that come on to the bat”. He looked like a guy trying to fly a kite. His expression after his dismissal , conveyed the distinct impression that he wanted to hit the ball higher in the air – so that all the eleven on the fielding side could get underneath it !

6.) Put a kilo of white sunscreen on your face like Gambhir and then play like a zombie. He needs to get his act together before he lands up being the “borderline case” all over again. The guy probably put in the best efort in the whole side. But alas … it was just too little. The better thing to do would have been to take a swipe at Jadeja, so the guy could be removed from the match and thus improve our chances.

7.) Come in like the next Nemesis of the balling and then drag the ball to your stump like Mr. Sharma at the top. Sharma looks confident. He moves confident. He gestures confidantly. He does everything right in terms of the show. And then he plays like a third time loser. I wonder if he was thinking this was the IPL – and there would always be “another match” surrounded by those foreign babes swinging their booty at the ropes. Come on man – can you please grow up !

8.) Win the toss , and then mis-read the pitch and then choose to chase just because you lost the last match playing first ! ( Which is what I think our good captain had in mind anyway !)

9.) Play like a opener in the third last over. This one must be the best way to lose the match without getting blamed for not trying hard. Our great players were taking the “ones and twos” diligently while the required rate was 12+. Qualifications for playing in the Indian should include proficeincy in basic math !

10.) Play the “same team” in all the non-consequential matches. And then start doing the experiments in the important ones ! This probably is the single best way to confuse your own team members and lose the important matches. Suddenly we see “new” faces when the most important match comes up !

The Indian team has this uncanny ability to make benign cricketing sessions look like russian roullete. Their confidence is as thick as the ice on a frozen lake during a warm summer. Some one just needs to jump a little hard, and the whole surface of the lake cracks up. At the end of the match all I could say was – “well we deserved to lose !”