How to BEAT the damn traffic …. in India

India is a multicultural land where the laws are notional and ground reality operates on principles more in tune with the Amazonian Rain Forests. Traffic in India is one of the best manifestations of the preceding statement. Foreigners hate it, some Indians enjoy it and the rest just tolerate it.

Among those that enjoy it, are three groups. The first group believes in “enjoying” while driving – implying they will usually drink, pass lewd comments, break the lights and honk a horn so loud that even your dead ancestors will wake up and come running to you. They are usually illiterate, driving taxis for a living – getting payed by the hour.

The second group consist of the “insulated”. This group is usually travelling in cars, with AC and a driver. They read a paper while the driver tries to justify his bread and butter. Often cars of this group of people stop suddenly in the middle of the road while the “sahab” squints at some  consumer good on the roadside shop front. Or maybe the “memsahab’ wants to get off right there to meet an acquaintance !

A very small percentage of people form the third group. However this group is the most promising in terms of abilities. The demographic is a Young Upwardly Mobile person, who is reasonably good at driving and takes special joy in getting ahead of the traffic by various means. These means may border on the illegal, but the activities are usually not as discomforting as those of the first group of “enjoyers”. Lights are broken – usually only when the cops are gone and traffic is sparse. Horns are blared – but at opportune times and for maximum effect. This group enjoys the fact that – others on the road don’t know the “tricks”.

Although I used to tolerate the traffic before – I have slowly learnt to believe in group no. three and strive to be in that category. The following advice is for those who want to be in this category and more specifically drive a car. For bikers I will publish more advice later. Please remember and clearly note, that the following is not advisable to be done regularly as it takes considerable mental alertness and effort. Also there are risks that should be evaluated before undertaking such driving. There may be “bad” repercussions in case of a misfire. However, sometimes one has to really be “there”  by “this time” and these methods may come in handy at such junctures. Always be careful and alert … you cannot let yourself be distracted when doing the following.

1. Timing : The first technique is to master half-clutch driving. I can hear some of the die hard motorists criticizing, to them I have to say “shut up and go to the US”. Your mechanic may complain and your driving instructor will get appalled – but if you cannot drive on half clutch you will be forever at the “end of the long line”. The reason is one word – TIMING. Driving to beat the traffic involves a lot of correct timing. If you are too fast you will hit the car ahead, if you are too slow the auto-rickshaw on your left will come in front of you. Also some times when you are going fast you may have to go over a bump. At this time a little break and a bit of half-clutch driving will minimize the impact to bearable levels. The idea is to brake hard just before the bump, shift to second (or maybe first ?) gear and drive half-clutch over the bump controlling the speed to adjust to height of the bump. Just as your rear tyre starts going over – leave the clutch and start accelerating. If you time it right you will accelerate as the rear wheels are going “down the bump” and will get an extra impetus.

2. Prediction  : The second most important technique is something I learnt in driving school. But in a different context. In driving school they told us to drive “defensively”, and one of the tricks was to see ahead and see the big picture. The idea was that you would be able to avoid a potentially dangerous situation. But the same trick can be used to good effect in “offensive” driving. Once you see the big picture you will have an idea about the traffic in your vicinity. It pays to be able to estimate which driver is timid and which driver is over-aggressive. So when you approach their vehicles you will be correctly predicting their reactions. This is an invaluable art – and if you can master it, half your problems on the road will be gone !

3. Geometry : Yes, you need to understand geometry well to beat the traffic. On the road, there are wide and long buses, short and slim autos, cycles, thelas, bikers and people who don’t have a ride at all ! In this mixed chaos its important to understand angles and spaces. If you can place your vehicle in an advantageous position – you will be able to overtake even the most aggressive of the drivers. Almost everyone can overtake cars on the highway at cruise speeds. But overtaking vehicles travelling inches apart at 10km/hr is quite a different ball game !

For example : One thing one should always try to do with the car is to block the bikes trying to get past you from the left. They will usually go ahead and come in your way – so keep them behind you. To do this you have to travel in the left most lane making sure that space between your car and the pavement on the left is less than the width of a bike ! Geometry ! To extend the example : You detect a space on the left of the bus ahead, just enough to pass your car through – or maybe not. Theres the catch – if you know the width of your car well you can take the risk and slip through. If not – by the time you have “estimated” – space will be clogged with cycles and bikers. If you estimated early  that you cannot pass – the next best thing to do is to “block the hole”. Get behind the bus and almost touch the rear of the bus while minimizing the gap on the left of your car. You have to careful here – as this can be dangerous on inclines – the buses will come back a few inches when the driver leaves the clutch. Once you have blocked a hole – you can later take another shot at slipping through.

4. Traffic Lights : If they work – the advice is to follow the lights. You will not get much benefit by breaking a light, and the risk of getting caught by a cop on the other side may be high, especially during the day. At night certain liberties can be taken – but usually the benefit availed is of less than a minute. However as most other things in India – the traffic lights may not work. There are various stages of malfunction. The light may be totally not working – no red/yellow/green lights. Or they may be partially broken – red or green may be off. Or  they may seem like strobes in a disco – blinking randomly. The important thing is know what do in such uncertain circumstances.

The first rule is that if the lights are malfunctioning and there is no cop on the road in the middle handling things, you can safely assume that law is unavailable at that junction. You can probably shoot a guy on the crossing and no one will bother. No cops + No lights = Jungle rules. At this point you may safely break the rules (you, anyway cannot make out the light – so there are no rules !). But the trick is in how you break the rules. The fools go charging in and more often than not there is another such fool on the other side ! Result – a JAM. But you know this so you keep to sparse areas – as far as possible from the center of action. The idea is to circumvent the problem in novel ways. Say you want to take a right on a crossing where the lights are kaput. Stick to the left and follow the vehicles going straight ahead. As you are almost past the crossing brake sharply and put on your right blinker. This usually scares people behind you and if you can judge the reactions times you will have turned before the car on your right can block you ! Sometimes even this may fail as the center of the JAM is large enough to cover all of the crossing ! Your next best bet is to check the traffic on the left of the road on the other side. If the oncoming traffic has a clear left lane – go ahead to the next cut, take a u-turn and then take the left when you come back to the crossing. This technique has helped me often in cases where my right turn was totally blocked !

If you know a traffic light is broken before hand (they stay broken for a month or more before they are fixed !) you can avoid it at peak times. At off peak times, if you want to pass through fast without getting hit by other brave people on the road – there is a special trick. As you approach the crossing (at high speed) – blink your headlights (especially at night) , honk loudly but not continuously and then break hard till you can hear the tyre screech ! That usually scares other drivers in earshot – and you can then go past the crossing at a higher speed !

5. Left Lane Policy : On the highway the right lane goes fastest (we follow the English driving ethic). However in JAMS use the american system. Stay on the left, overtake from the left, abuse from the left and generally do what ever you have to do, ON THE LEFT. The left is usually occupied by large buses and trucks which have more “scare value” in jams. Which means they usually get ahead faster by scaring the smaller vehicles. Also travelling on the left gives you the occasional opportunity of a clearing on the left- where you can overtake the bus you have been following for some time now !

6. Follow Talent : If you find an aggressive bus driver – just shut your brain to everything else – and keep the gap between your bonnet and the bus’s ass to less than a feet. Thats all you will need to get past the “slow coaches”. Same for an aggressive and talented taxi driver. Also if you happen to be following someone who is a regular on that road (and you are new) – you will come to know the “tricks”. The small by by lanes and gaps which are waiting for the intelligent opportunist. However if you are not up to the talent levels of the preceding vehicle – then you may get stuck in a stupid situation while the guy ahead just slips through. So follow with a pinch of  salt. If you are a regular as well – don’t be afraid to overtake the “talented ones”. The best of us are prone to mistakes – traffic is such a game that its difficult to predict correctly, and you may just have the extra observation that gets you ahead !

7. Examine New Roads : If you are travelling regularly on a particular route, take some time once in a while to examine the “inner roads”. You may turn up in a blind alley occasionally but more often than not you will find an alternate route – a very handy thing to know during peak hours ! If you are a map type – you can buy an Eicher map (they are the best printed maps in India, and have the most detail – right down to house numbers). Or you may invest in a GPS navigator. But don’t depend on either for salvation – most inner roads are often blocked by police barricades – so your “special route” may just be a dud. There is nothing like examining for your self – so after you detect a new route on the map – go check it out ! Keep a watch out for barricades on the road side. They are usually deployed in “sensitive” times and may block your alternate route.

If you are not the map type or have difficulty understanding maps – then just do some wishful driving once in a while – the only requisite being COUNT THE TURNS. If you hit a nice route by chance just note the route in your mind (if you have an elephantine memory) or on a piece of paper or on the phone/pda. You can usually just note the counts like so  … third left – second right – fourth left ….etc.  Remember to note the staring and the ending point. If you know the end point on an alternate route opens up on a jammed crossing, then you can avoid the route in peak hours.

8. Horn Please : The honk is your ranged weapon so use it intelligently. If you honk continuously – it is not only a nuisance to every one else – it gives you a headache as well. Needless to say – such honking is usually counter productive, for it may make the others around you aware of your intentions ! Yes ! Your intentions are yours. Don’t give away the game before it starts. Approach a vehicle silently from behind – measure the driver and overtake him when he is distracted with something else !

The honk is very useful at certain important junctures. If you have approached silently and the driver ahead doesn’t know about your existence – then you can scare him if tries to block the gap on the left ! The timing has to be right – if you honk early you give away your position. If you honk too late he is already blocking you ! Just when he is about to make his “move” give a loud burst and shut up. He will pause and may try again – repeat the dose. If he is hesitant again – you are in luck ! He is a timid type – rub his nose to the ground ! Overtake and while you are abreast honk when your bonnet is nearest to his ear. The extra dose will bottle him up enough to prevent him from making counter moves from behind you afterwards !

Concluding thoughts : There are many more tricks of the trade which I have not mentioned here. They often come naturally after a while and cannot be taught ! However this basic set will help you a long way if you happen to be a hapless foreigner in the middle of the sea of chaos – called Indian Traffic (Expatriate Commonwealth Games personnel – please note) . Please remember that this is not for the faint hearted or the timid. If you really and desperately want to fuck the traffic and get ahead – these rules and techniques will come in handy. Once you are doing these often – you will start enjoying the effect you have on traffic around you.

That auto-walla may shout – but you have blocked him !

The bus driver may honk – but he cannot pass through the gap on your right !

The biker may be aggressive – but thanks to the small gap on your left he will fall into the storm drain !

The “thela” (cycle cart)  may be blocking your way, but cannot match the sudden acceleration when the traffic opens up !

The taxi walla is trying to intimidate you – distract him with counter abuses, and then overtake him. Block him and pause your car – let him shout till he is hoarse. Go ahead and pause again near a traffic constable – now he cannot abuse you even when he is overtaking you !

The key is to have fun while keeping a cool head. Be aggressive and ruthless within the bounds of law and decency. Enjoy the “repercussions” of your driving and while you are at it – you will be “there” in no time !